Interesting article I found in today's 'The Star' on women that makes me wanna blog this.
Is there life for a working supermum?
Not many Malaysian career women have more than the requisite two offspring. WONG LI ZA talks to three who do and finds out how they thrive. FOR a working mother, balancing a career and family is a delicate art form. For many, it’s a battle between taking that promotion and being able to come home in time for dinner with the family. With smaller family units being the norm in a modern, and especially urban, lifestyle, more than two children is becoming a rarity. But there are still the few “brave” souls who skilfully juggle a demanding career yet nurture three or four children at home. Throughout all this, their roles and needs as a wife and woman remain.
Here are three working mothers’ accounts of how they manage a bigger brood and practical tips on having it all.
Of spirituality and ‘me’ time
COMING from families of four siblings each, S. Kumari Nalini and her husband had wanted three children after they got married. They knew from experience that it would be a quiet affair for a small family if one or two siblings could not be home for a gathering. S. Kumari Nalini, an engineer, and her daughters preparing for prayers at their home in Puchong. So when their third child, a daughter, came along, the family was complete. Then along came Suhashini four years later. “We were pretty unprepared when we conceived her because I was tired and wanted to concentrate on my work,” admitted Nalini, 41, an engineer and manager at a local telecommunications company. “But my husband and I believe that there’s a reason for everything that happens. She’s a good gift to us; she’s so full of life and teaches us what we do not see in life.”
Time and finances were not a concern for Nalini and her husband, whose two boys are aged 14 and 12, and girls, eight and four. In terms of being able to devote enough time to all the children, Nalini has a simple philosophy. “We only need to teach and focus on the eldest; the younger ones will always find a way to learn from the older ones,” she said. Nalini had initially thought of quitting her job after her youngest was born but made a conscious decision otherwise in order to give that extra bit to the children. In a way, her children also made the decision for her to continue working. “The good part is, I’ve made the children realise the reason I work. I tell them they can forget about tennis or swimming lessons, or new CDs, if I do not (work). So in a way, it’s also their decision that I work,” she added. Also, Nalini and her husband, a senior manager of human resource, had to care for ageing parents. ”At that time, our house was also getting too small for four children and we wanted to get a bigger house. So the only choice was to work,” she said.
Nalini, whose family is vegetarian, wakes up as early as 5am to prepare lunch ahead for the children. She also cooks dinner when she gets home from work at around 6pm. The kids sleep by 10pm while Nalini will go to bed around 10.30pm. Although Nalini employs an Indonesian helper, her children have their own chores to do, like setting the dinner table, watering the plants and tidying their own rooms. She has also disciplined her children to do their homework or watch television at specific times. “All this is also possible because we have the common base of spirituality,” she explained. The family prays together at least once a week and attends weekly prayer sessions. Family aside, the serious-looking but accommodating Nalini also makes sure she allocates time for herself. For a start, she treats her working hours as personal time. “I enjoy working and, at work, I enjoy being by myself,” said Nalini, who starts work by 8.30am. She also makes it a point to catch up with her friends over lunch. In between meetings outside the office, Nalini works on her laptop while getting other things done, like a pedicure. Occasionally, she indulges in treasure hunts with her friends and has also invested in a home exercise machine, which she tries to use three times a week. Nalini has also been attending northern Indian keyboard classes for the past one and a half years. With her taking lessons and practising, Nalini added, the children would also see that they need to practise whatever they were learning.
Career-wise, where does she see herself in the future? “A promotion would be nice to have but it is not a must. If tomorrow I’m made senior manager but I can’t juggle my time or am expected to socialise after office hours which eats into family time, that defeats my purpose of working,” she said. “My children would be left to the maid most of the time; they won’t share problems with me and may seek solace from others who might not give them the right guidance.” Can a working woman have it all, then? “We can have it all, but in a balanced way. We can’t have all scoring nines or 10s. If we score on one side, the other will definitely suffer.”
Cultivating independence
WORKING mother of three Connie Ng would love to have more children, despite currently working at least 11 hours a day. “I just love children and being surrounded by them. They are such a joy,” said Ng, a public relations manager with an international cosmetic house. “I would love four if I could give them the time and quality (of life) but unfortunately I don’t.” Ng’s husband, a businessman, had wanted only two but Ng, who looks much younger than her 40 years, was quite determined to have more and convinced her husband that she could manage.
She starts work by 9am and finishes only at 8pm or sometimes 10pm. If she works late, Ng only gets to see her children the following day. “I try to spend at least four hours a day with them during the weekdays, which I think is sufficient at this point. If I work late, I will call and talk to them,” she said. Penang-born Ng sends her eldest child, Nigel, to school in the morning as a way of spending more time with him. However, it does tug at her heartstrings when her children ask if she could drive them all to and from school, like some of their friends’ mums do. “They ask this once in a while and I do see their longing,” said Ng thoughtfully.
So does she think she’s spending enough time with her children? "At certain times I don’t but, on the other hand, the children have been brought up this way since day one. So they are used to us not being around.” Ng nonetheless agrees that as working parents, they tend to miss out on their children’s growing-up years and also in giving full-time guidance. “However, the good thing about us working is that we make the children become more independent,” she said. However, Ng does worry about her children, especially Nigel who will be 12 next year, face a major examination and move into his teenage years. “I’m a little concerned about that and the influence he will be exposed to and how I would need to spend more time with him. When they are younger, they reveal more to you, but when they get older, they tend to grow apart,” she said softly.
In the meantime though, Ng devotes her time to her family during the weekends. She involves her kids in buying things for school, household items or groceries for the week ahead. On Sundays, Ng’s husband cooks dinner for the family. “The kids look forward to his special dishes and they all help in the preparation, which is a simple yet fun activity to do together,” said Ng, who is against over-showering her children with attention or overindulging them with things. “There are other ways to reward the children without being materialistic.” Ng also wholeheartedly gives credit to her domestic helper for taking care of her children so well at home.
On a personal level, however, Ng admitted that she hardly sets aside time for herself. She catches up on her reading at night before bed for half an hour, and encourages her children to read with her. Most of her beauty routines are DIY and activities such as going to the gym or spa are almost non-existent. “I don’t give much time for ‘me’. When I have time, I try to spend it with my kids. In fact, my husband is the one who pulls me back sometimes and tells me to take a few hours and go out alone without the children. That’s my personality, I guess, focusing on others first,” she said.
Negotiating win-win situations
WHEN working mothers tell Selina Yeop Jr they have no time for anything, she has this to say: “I have three children, run my own agency, am doing my Masters, go to the gym, and play golf.” A mother of three boys aged eight, six and two, Selina clearly dotes on the youngest, Aden, an active toddler. "I can’t believe I have him in my life,” she gushed. However, Aden’s arrival was “unplanned”, admitted Selina. “That’s why the age gap is there between my second boy and him. He was really a surprise because I was travelling a lot then and working so hard.” Selina had wanted a boy and a girl. But even after her second son was born, she had a feeling that her third child would be a son as well. “So when Aden came along, I said to myself, ‘that’s it’; even if I tried for another child it would be a son,” she said, smiling.
Three children can be a handful but Selina manages well with a supportive husband and two domestic helpers. “My husband fulfils his roles as a father and a husband well,” she said appreciatively. Selina also credits her two Indonesian helpers for making it possible for her to achieve so many things. “I am so blessed to have them. I can leave the kids with them and not worry. A woman functions best in the knowledge that their kids are well taken care of,” she stressed, adding that her in-laws live three doors away. However, Selina still has to plan her time methodically to maximise her day. She is up by seven every morning and spends time with her children until the two older boys go to school. In between, she reads the paper and catches up on her e-mail. “By nine I am fully working,” said the eloquent businesswoman who set up her public relations company in 2000.
Currently pursuing her Master’s in Business Administration, Selina, 36, also works out with a personal trainer and practises at the driving range, pursuing each activity at least twice a week. As her hours are erratic yet flexible, Selina balances her time between work and family “with a conscience”. Evening functions are kept to a minimum. If there is a roadshow during the weekend, she tries to delegate the work to her staff or take her children along. If she cannot bring the kids, she tries to go to the event early and leave when things are sorted out. “I don’t want to put myself in a complete ‘yes or no’ situation but try to negotiate a win-win situation,” she said firmly. Living five minutes from her office is a big bonus in terms of travel time saved. Selina also works from home. “The key is in being positive and disciplined. When you set out to do something, you stick to it even though you may be pulled away by ‘pleasure factors’ such as going for coffee with friends,” said Selina, who is from Ipoh. Dinner with her family is top priority. The petite mother, of mixed parentage (her mum is Chinese), is usually home by 7.30pm.
That’s when she shuts her mind off from work and devotes her time to her children, eventually calling it a night at around 11pm. Once a week Selina and her husband, a lawyer with his own firm, make it a point to go out alone either for dinner, a movie, shopping or to listen to live music. Despite all this, the effervescent lady admitted that she does spread herself too thin sometimes. “I really, really think that I’m doing too much, but I manage because my husband is very supportive,” said Selina. Even though Selina is juggling her time and responsibilities well, does she feel that “something’s gotta give”? “If there is, I may not realise it now but the effect may come later,” she said. “But I’ll try to mitigate the effects of whatever might happen in the future.”
-End-
ma. Bought Hot Wheels for the kids - to add their collections. (They've been begging me for the past one month). Got myself a nice fruity smell perfume by Paris Hilton. (Frankly, I never like this woman but I love the smell of it and the sales person highly recommended it to me, so I thought why not..). Had dinner at Nite Circle, Sect 9 with my dad and my brother, Ilyas, the Dumex TV-advert boy.
ma. Bought Hot Wheels for the kids - to add their collections. (They've been begging me for the past one month). Got myself a nice fruity smell perfume by Paris Hilton. (Frankly, I never like this woman but I love the smell of it and the sales person highly recommended it to me, so I thought why not..). Had dinner at Nite Circle, Sect 9 with my dad and my brother, Ilyas, the Dumex TV-advert boy.
